


Redemption

by adoring_audience



Series: Salvation [2]
Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Canon Rewrite, Children, Cuteness overload, Delena as parents, F/M, Fluff, Romance, Smut, a little angsty in the beginning, but the payoff is going to be so worth it, oh and all kinds of sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-20 10:33:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30003537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adoring_audience/pseuds/adoring_audience
Summary: This is the sequel to Salvation, my season 6 rewrite. It picks up on a very specific day from the series finale and takes off from there. This is how I imagine Damon and Elena's future.
Relationships: Bonnie Bennett/Lorenzo "Enzo" St. John, Elena Gilbert/Damon Salvatore
Series: Salvation [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2207094
Comments: 7
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is, as I stated above, a sequel. As you might or might not remember, I changed a few crucial things from season 6 and I build on them here. If you haven't read Salvation, you might get confused here and there. If you have read it but need a reminder of the major plot points I changed, here's a few pointers (contains spoilers for Salvation!):  
> 1\. Elena and Damon spent ~1.5 years traveling through Europe before they returned and Elena subsequently fell into the magical coma.  
> 2\. Jo died not during the wedding, but during the birthday party for the twins, thus Caroline never gave birth to Josie and Lizzie. But I did allude in my last chapter that she sort of stepped up to become their mom after Jo was gone.
> 
> As before, paragraphs in italics symbolize past scenes.
> 
> A few major things I changed from season 8 which directly affects this story/sequel: Nobody took the cure from Elena while she was sleeping. And also, I am not familiar with the storylines of The Originals, same goes for the storylines of Legacies. Wherever my story doesn't fit with one of the other two, just assume in my world it happened differently somehow. 
> 
> Sorry for the winded explanations. Please have fun reading. I will love to read your comments. I missed this.  
> ♥ /Anna

The atmosphere in the Salvatore boarding house was somber, to say the least. It was eerily reminiscent of the last time they were all assembled here like that. Except the last time the person in the casket wasn’t actually dead but in a magical coma. Stefan, however, would never wake up again. He was undoubtedly and irrevocably dead.

Damon took a swig from the bottle – not his first – and let his eyes scan the room. Caroline’s grief almost matched his own; it was overpowering in its intensity and he couldn’t bear to look at her for too long. Seeing the despair in her eyes tugged at the insides of his chest, threatening to tear them apart, something dark struggling to break free. He didn’t know how much longer he could fight against it. For now, the monster thrashing inside him was kept at bay by copious amounts of alcohol.

As if sensing his stare, Caroline turned to glance at him and Damon averted his eyes.

Alaric sat on one of the sofas, the five-year-old twins to either side of him. Damon couldn’t tell if the girls understood why everyone was so sad or why their quasi-mom, Caroline, was crying. Bonnie was suspiciously absent, but that was alright. She’d want to offer consolation, even hope. But Damon knew that these things didn’t exist. Not anymore. Not for him.

Donovan stood next to the fireplace, talking quietly on the phone to some deputy or something. Damon didn’t bother listening in. He could figure out what they were talking about simply going by his body language, and not just Donovan’s. Damon knew all their minds; could read it on their faces. They all expected him to explode, lash out, channel his pain into destructive behavior. He was a ticking bomb and it was only a matter of time until he would go off.

He wouldn’t. Not today at least. There was not enough strength left in him to do anything but sit there and nurse his drink. And maybe once this farce of a wake was over, he’d just continue to do that, minus the drink. Yeah, the more he thought about it, the more it seemed like the most plausible solution.

He was going to starve himself, even though he promised Elena that he wouldn’t. He was just so sick of everyone dying and besides, he had broken that particular promise already. What did it matter if he broke it twice?

***  
Upstairs, in one of the guest bedrooms, Bonnie performed a spell to seal the room off to nosy vampire ears. She sat down on the edge of the bed and, lifting the cloaking spell off of her best friend’s reposed body, took Elena’s hand in hers.

Enzo’s disembodied voice protested, quite violently, “Bonnie, don’t do this.”

“I have to,” Bonnie replied, quietly and with a sad smile.

“That’s what you think now because you’re grieving. But you don’t have to do this. You’re putting yourself in unnecessary danger. Both of you.”

“I don’t think so.” Bonnie lifted her head and spoke in the direction from where Enzo’s voice was coming. She wished she could see him; sometimes she still could, though she couldn’t say if it was real or imagined. “The way I see it, either the spell works and Elena wakes up. Or the spell is more than I can handle and it kills me and Elena wakes up. Either way – Damon is getting Elena back. Today.”

Enzo growled and Bonnie knew if he had still been corporeal, he would have smashed something. “Why are you doing this?” Enzo wailed.

“Hey, look at it this way: If we’re lucky, I join you on your very exclusive other side and we can be together again.”

“We don’t know that you would. And even if we did, I’d rather you live, love,” Enzo whispered.

“I can’t lose him,” Bonnie replied.

“Who? Damon?”

“Yes. I already lost you, and Elena, and Stefan. I can’t lose him, too. I can’t be alone, Enzo.”

“He’ll be fine. So, he’s lost his brother. He’ll grieve, he’ll get over it.”

“I don’t think he will. Not by himself. I know what he plans to do.”

“Then we’ll talk him out of it.”

Bonnie shook her head. “He won’t listen. He lost too much, too.” She glanced over at Elena’s sleeping form. “He needs _her_.”

“And I need you. To live, to be precise. Don’t sacrifice yourself, please, love.”

“I love you, Lorenzo St. John.”

“I love you too, Bonnie Bennett. Which is why I’m begging you to please not do this. Please.”

“I have to,” Bonnie whispered and closing her eyes, began the incantation.

***

Hours – or was it minutes? – later, Bonnie reemerged from her trance-like state and took a deep breath. The air smelled of ozone and crackled faintly. The room was in disarray; like a tornado had swept through it. Only the bed remained untouched – an island of calm amidst a rough sea. On the mattress, Elena’s fingers stirred. Bonnie held her breath when her eyelids began to flutter.

Bonnie didn’t dare move as she watched her friend open her eyes and slowly take a look around. Brown eyes finally met green ones.

“Elena?” Bonnie barely dared to breathe.

“Bonnie? How—”

Unexpectedly, a sob erupted from Bonnie’s throat, followed by a flood of tears she couldn’t stop, no matter how hard she tried. She never expected to ever hear her friend’s voice again and the fear and anxiety of the past years escaped Bonnie’s body in thick rivulets, clouding her vision and painting black paths of runny mascara on her cheeks. But she didn’t care. Relief for still being alive, pride for having managed to break Kai’s spell, joy for seeing her best friend again, heartache because she would have to be the bearer of bad news, and a million more all warred for dominance in her head.

She scrambled onto the bed and threw her arms around Elena who, despite feeling a bit lost and bewildered, hugged her back fiercely.

“Damon?” Elena asked as soon as Bonnie released her.

“He’s okay,” Bonnie nodded and Elena breathed a sigh of relief.

Elena smiled and went to swing her legs off the bed. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

“Me neither,” Bonnie admitted between sobs. “But I managed to break the spell.”

“Thank you,” Elena breathed.

Bonnie bit her lip and closed her eyes before she whispered, “Don’t thank me yet.” She fixed her eyes on Elena who had frozen in dread. “I have to tell you something,” Bonnie began.

“Don’t tell me he forgot that he loved me.”

Bonnie managed a weak smile at the attempt of a joke. “No. It’s not about Damon. Well, it kind of is, but not really. It’s Stefan.”

Elena’s face slipped and she bit her lip in an effort not to cry. “He’s dead, isn’t he?”

Bonnie nodded, not having the strength to say it out loud and break her friend’s heart. “How did you know?” she asked instead.

“I dreamt of him. Except, I don’t think it was a dream.”

Bonnie nodded, fresh tears flowing from her eyes.

“It was weird,” Elena continued. “I think he was trying to say goodbye. Will you tell me what happened?”

Bonnie gulped for breath. “Oh, god. Where do I even start? So much happened, Elena. And I haven’t been there for a lot of it. Maybe you should talk to Damon about it.”

“How is he doing?” Elena whispered.

Bonnie wiped the tears from her face, released a breath and tried, “Not good? But maybe you can fix him. I don’t think anyone else can.”

“Where is he?”

“Downstairs. They’re all here, saying goodbye to Stefan.”

Without another word, Elena ran towards the door and was gone. Bonnie sagged back onto the bed, completely drained. She rubbed her face with both palms and when she looked up again, she saw Enzo, crouching down in the corner, back against the wall, simply looking at her. Bonnie smiled at him and he just shook his head in disbelief. Then he got up and joined her on the bed. And Bonnie wished really hard that she were able to touch him.

***

Damon tried to focus on the casket that contained the remains of his brother. It was difficult, as he had recently started seeing two of them. He blinked and raised the bottle in the general direction of his dead brother, thinking that more alcohol would probably rectify the situation. But the bottle was empty, so Damon reached for a new one and uncapped it. When everyone suddenly gasped in unison, Damon thought they were taking it a bit far with their disapproval. It wasn’t exactly out of character for him to medicate a situation with bourbon.

His whisky-addled brain took a moment to register that they weren’t paying attention to him but rather to something happening behind his back. Pushing his legs off the coffee table he swiveled his upper body around and froze. As if in a cheap comedy, all eyes were suddenly turned on him but Damon ignored them. He glanced from the vision in front of him back at the bottle in his hand. It was only his third and it was still full. Definitely too early to start seeing things. His eyes focused again on the petrified form of Elena at the foot of the stairs. Making a conscious effort to clear the fog from his brain, the first thing his vampire ears noticed was her rapidly beating heart, followed quickly by her unique scent as it reached his nostrils.

He rose automatically, the bottle of bourbon dropping to the floor and staining the carpet. He would have cared about that on any other day. Now, however, he only had eyes for the woman in front of him.

He opened his mouth, but had no idea what to say. A moment later, Elena flew into his arms and he caught her reflexively. Her arms squeezed around him so tight, like she never intended to let go. Finally, she did, but only to press her lips against his. Damon followed suit, dazed and brain lagging behind. While his mind was still trying to process, his hands roved her body, reacquainting himself with the feel of her in his arms, making sure she was real. And then he devoured her mouth, starved for her taste.

Finally, he pulled back. But Elena wouldn’t allow it; she sank her fingers in his hair and pulled him back in. She pressed her body closer to his and invaded his mouth with her tongue again and Damon was only too happy to follow.

When they pulled apart, he held her face gently in his hands, studying her features, drowning in her eyes, until she glanced at the congregation of mourners behind him. Damon stepped back but stuck to Elena’s side, arm around her middle. She met the dumbfounded faces of her friends and something between a laugh and a cry erupted from her throat.

Caroline was the first to throw her arms around her, knocking Damon aside accidentally. He allowed it and looked around. His first impulse was to get himself a drink, but that was just habit. What he needed was something to clear his cotton balled brain. Eyeing the drinks cart, he grabbed a bottle of water. As he was downing it, he happened to glance towards the stairs where an uncharacteristically timid looking Bonnie hovered.

“I take it, you had something to do with it, Sabrina?” he asked her.

She shrug-nodded and came closer while still keeping her distance, insecure about everyone’s reaction.

“That was incredibly stupid of you. You could have died.” As he said the words, Damon realized that Bonnie must have considered that option too and found it an acceptable outcome. Rage and anger surged inside him and Damon tried to reign it in. He closed the distance between them and roughly pulled Bonnie into a savage hug, almost cutting off her air supply. “Don’t ever do something like that again, you hear me?”

“No promises,” Bonnie mumbled into his shoulder, her tears soaking his shirt.

“You weren’t even going to tell me about it? Say goodbye, in case it didn’t work?”

“Look who’s talking,” Bonnie teased as Damon released his tight hold on her. “You wouldn’t have let me do it, if I had told you what I planned.”

“Damn right I wouldn’t have.”

“He’s right, Bonnie. It was too dangerous,” Elena cut in, the hugging party around her having broken up when Bonnie appeared.

“But it worked,” Bonnie replied with a proud grin.

“Just because I’m grateful doesn’t mean that I’m not angry with you, got it?” Damon bit out before adding, “But honestly: Thank you.”

“Yes, thank you,” Elena echoed. She returned to Damon’s side, winding both her arms around him. Damon looked down at her and everything else fell away.

“Hi,” she quietly said, looking into his eyes.

“Hi back. I would have dressed up had I known you were joining us,” Damon said. “Or at the very least tried really hard to be sober.”

“Don’t believe him,” Alaric spoke up. “I haven’t seen him sober in a long time.”

“Traitor,” Damon threw back in his direction.

“How long was I gone?” Elena asked.

“One thousand five hundred and seventy-nine excruciatingly long days,” Damon answered.

“Almost four and a half years,” Caroline translated.

The happy smile slipped from Elena’s face as she caught sight of the casket in the middle of the room. She moved towards it but was held back by Damon. His arm around her waist tightened and she turned to him.

Laying a palm on his cheek, she looked into his eyes and said, “It’s okay. I know.”

“No, it’s not that. He’s… Just… Don’t open the casket, okay? He’s burned. Badly.”

Elena’s eyes closed, a tear escaping. She nodded and took his hand, squeezing it before she walked over to Stefan.

***

_Elena wandered through the Salvatore Mansion, randomly picking up trinkets and setting them back down. The house was empty. It always was. She was alone in this world that was not quite a dream, but not reality either. Sometimes she imagined she could feel the passage of weeks and months, but most of the time she forgot to think about that. All days bled into one; she wouldn’t have been able to tell if she’d been asleep for a week or a decade._

_So she wandered through the house, letting her fingers glide over the spines of the books in the library, drifting over to the wingback chair. She settled in with one of her favorite books and read but if it was minutes or hours, she could never tell._

_An indefinite amount of time later she found herself climbing the stairs to the upper level guest bedrooms. At the last corridor, something made her turn and walk in the direction of Stefan’s room instead. She stepped inside and there he was, standing next to the window, his back to her._

_Hearing her enter, he turned around._

_“Is this really happening? Or am I imagining all of this?”_

_“I don’t know,” Elena replied._

_“I’m seeing what I want to see, aren’t I? This is only happening in my head.”_

_“What is?”_

_Stefan sighed. “It doesn’t matter. It’s not like I have a choice.”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“I have to believe that you’re really here. Not like I’ll get another chance, right? So, on the off-chance that you’re actually Elena and not just a figment of my imagination, I need you to get a message to Caroline.”_

_“But I won’t see Caroline for a very long time,” Elena replied._

_“That’s exactly what I would have you say if I was imagining this,” Stefan mumbled, mostly to himself. He then shook his head and gently grabbed Elena’s shoulders. “Tell her that I love her. That I heard her. That I loved every minute that I got to spend with her. Tell her I don’t want her to be sad. And tell her that I hope I’ll see her again.”_

_“I will,” Elena promised._

_“I’ve got a message for you, too. Will you try to remember it when you wake up?”_

_“What is it?”_

_“Don’t blame him. None of this is Damon’s fault. Whatever he’s done, or will do still – it’s not him. He’s not himself; he’s being manipulated. You’re his weakness, Elena. You always have been. It’s easy to exploit that. Whatever happened – he’s not to blame. And whether he chooses to tell you or never breathes a word of it, please promise me you’ll forgive him and you won’t stop loving him.”_

_“I promise,” Elena said. Nothing easier than that._

_“Can you promise me something else?” Stefan asked._

_“I’ll try.”_

_“Be happy,” Stefan pleaded. “If I know my brother at all, he’ll try very hard to push you away, once all of this is over. Don’t let him. I’ve never seen you as happy as when you were with him. And I know he loves you; he just can’t help but sabotage his own happiness because he never learned to trust it; nobody ever gave him reason to – before you came along. So, don’t let him get away with it, okay? And you’ll be fine. You both will be. I won’t be there to witness it, but I know you’ll live a happy and fulfilled life. I’ll be at peace, knowing that everyone I love is happy.”_

_“Are you dying?” Elena asked._

_“I think I am, yes.”_

_“Will I see you again?”_

_“I hope so.”_

_“But you don’t know,” Elena concluded._

_“I want to believe it. And don’t they say faith can move mountains?”_

***

The sad party of mourners broke up soon after. They would reconvene tomorrow for the actual funeral, though Bonnie and Caroline were staying overnight in the Salvatore house. Caroline wanted to stay close to Stefan and Bonnie said she would take care of her, leaving Damon and Elena alone for the first time since she woke up.

They turned towards Damon’s bedroom, heads still buzzing trying to process the day’s events, but bodies tired and weighed down by grief. They climbed the stairs slowly, hand in hand, not speaking much.

Once the bedroom door closed, Damon leaned against it heavily and shut his eyes, sighing deeply. Elena waited a few paces away, looking at him. As his eyes opened and met hers, no words were spoken and they silently continued to gaze at each other.

Eventually, Elena held out her hand for him. Damon took it and she tugged on it, pulling him to her gently. His eyes searched her face while in the back of his mind a tiny voice wondered if all this was an alcohol induced dream.

“Are you real?” Damon rasped, hope and fear turning his voice hoarse.

Instead of an answer, Elena kissed him. Her lips slid tenderly over his before she pulled back and studied his face. She leaned in again, lips more insistent now, prying his open, tongue demanding entrance which was immediately granted.

As if afraid that once he took a more active role in the proceedings, she would disappear again, Damon remained mostly passive, letting Elena plunder his mouth and bite down none too gently on his bottom lip.

She released a small sound of frustration, or maybe it was impatience, and brought his hand that she was still holding to her chest. She directed his hand to palm one of her breasts and moaned in satisfaction when his other hand came up to do the same with the other. Her own arms banded around his body, tightly clutching the back of his shirt in both fists. The front of his shirt strained under the tension and a button popped off.

For whatever reason, this seemed to jar Damon from his stupor. He roughly jerked Elena closer, mouth sealing tighter over hers, tongue meeting tongue and dueling for dominance which Elena freely relinquished.

His hands roamed her back, searching for the zipper. Not finding one, he grabbed the neckline and tore the dress down the middle, pushing the rags down and exposing Elena down to her waist. She quickly got rid of her bra and Damon’s mouth released hers. Breathing heavily, his eyes roamed over her flushed face and neck, taking in her curves, following the lines with reverent hands.

Nudging her head back with his, he kissed a straight line down her body, starting at the tiny dip on her chin and down its underside where she was especially sensitive. Lower along the column of her neck and the dip at the base of it. All the way across her sternum, the intimate spot between her breasts.

His knees hit the floor and he pushed his face against her stomach, arms winding around her hips. Minutes passed like this and Damon didn’t move. Elena wound her fingers through his hair, lifting his face to see it. He stared up at her, completely broken as he kneeled in front of her. Something dark lurked behind his eyes and she could see the effort it took him to keep it hidden from her. She would allow him his secrets… for now.

Gently pulling him up to his feet, she whispered, “Make love to me? Make love to me like the last four and a half years didn’t happen. Let’s pretend, okay? Just for tonight. Please?”

He stared at her for a few seconds, so many emotions warring on his face. Regret, pain, despair, hope. She saw the exact moment he decided to push them all away, to ignore them for one night, and surged up to kiss her. Sweeping her into his arms, he carried Elena over to the bed, carefully laying her down.

He tore the ruined dress the rest of the way off and climbed on top of her, fusing their mouths together again. Her body under his fingers, so alive, so… solid… Damon couldn’t think; didn’t want to. With a carnal groan, he shut down his thoughts and allowed himself to just feel.


	2. Chapter 2

Long after Elena had fallen asleep Damon lay there, studying her face. He had this irrational fear that if he let her out of his sight, she would disappear again and Damon didn’t think his heart could take another Elena-less day. The past one and a half thousand had been hell. Literally, sometimes.

For all that had happened in the last four years and three months while Elena slept, Damon was grateful that she hadn’t been there to witness their collective descent into madness. She remained untouched by the horrors that he had seen, had been responsible for in some cases. Sometimes, he still couldn’t shake the pictures. Most of the time it felt like it had happened to someone else, but occasionally he was back in that place with the bodies hung from hooks, and his mind was not his own.

Damon shook his head to dispel the images, his skin crawling with the memories. He didn’t want to think back to that time while he lay next to Elena, didn’t want these memories anywhere near her, didn’t want his past to taint her. Except, it would, wouldn’t it? After all, it was him, Damon, who had done all those horrible things. How could he rationalize keeping what he’d done from Elena? She needed to know. Because as much as he didn’t want to tell her, he didn’t want to keep things from her. He’d made that mistake in the past and it had always come back to bite him in the ass.

He would have to tell her everything and let the chips fall as they may.

***

Elena woke up to an empty bed. “Damon?” she asked and waited.

There was no answer and for a second, she wished she had her vampire hearing back to determine where he was. She threw on some clothes and made her way downstairs. The parlor was empty – even Stefan’s coffin was gone and Elena detoured to the library to check if someone was there. It was empty as well. She then marched into the kitchen.

“Good morning,” Caroline exclaimed upon seeing her and came over to hug her tightly.

“Good morning to you too,” Elena replied with a forced smile. “Where is everyone?”

“By everyone you mean Damon?”

Elena bit her lip contritely. Damon had been her primary focus, yes.

“It’s okay, Elena,” Caroline hurried to add when she saw Elena’s reaction. “We’re friends now. Technically, he’s my brother-in-law. Huh. Weird.”

Elena smiled – she figured the world would be a different place when she eventually woke up. But to think it had changed so much that Caroline called Damon her friend now? That would never stop being strange. “And he is where?” she prompted, since Caroline still hadn’t answered that question.

“Someone came to pick up Stefan. We’re having him transported to the Salvatore tomb for the funeral. Damon didn’t want to send him off on his own so he followed along.”

“Oh,” Elena said, feeling a little guilty that she hadn’t thought to ask about Stefan first. “How are you holding on?” she asked her friend.

Caroline’s mask slipped and she turned towards the coffee maker, pretending to be busy preparing coffee. “Oh, you know, I’m getting through it.”

“Care,” Elena said softly.

“Don’t worry,” Caroline said. “I’m not going to flip the switch.”

“That’s not what I was going to say.”

Finally, Caroline turned around and smiled a sad smile at Elena. “I loved him. I still love him. The time we had together – it wasn’t enough.”

“I know,” Elena said. No matter how much or how little time you had with a loved one, she understood that it would never seem enough.

“But he wouldn’t want me to be sad, so—” Caroline stated.

“You can be sad, Care. You can grieve. That’s alright. Just don’t lose yourself in the process.”

“Do you think it ever gets easier?” Caroline whispered.

Elena looked at her sadly. She didn’t want to lie to her friend. “No,” she replied. “But you learn to cope and eventually _simply getting through the day_ won’t require as much strength as it does now.”

“Oh, god, I don’t want to forget him.” Caroline sobbed. “Because sometimes, I can’t remember the sound of my mom’s laugh and it scares me.”

Elena wrapped her arms around Caroline and held on tight. “I’ll help you remember. We all will.”

When the sobs had quieted down a bit, Elena let go and took Caroline’s hands in her own. “He left a message for you.”

At Caroline’s surprised gaze, Elena explained Stefan’s visit in her dream world and delivered the message he left with her, word for word.

“He said that?” Caroline asked through tears and Elena was glad to see her smiling.

She nodded her head.

“Thank you,” Caroline breathed.

***

Damon returned when Elena, Caroline and Bonnie were just finishing the last of the coffee. He stuck his head inside the kitchen and greeted the girls.

“Hey,” Elena smiled at him, “you missed breakfast.”

“It’s okay, I’m not hungry.”

Elena stretched out an arm towards him, clearly beckoning him closer, but he ignored her, instead going for his phone and quickly typing out a message. Elena frowned.

“I have some errands to run and I’m not sure I will make it back in time to get ready for the funeral. So, I’m gonna grab some clothes and meet you at the cemetery; is that cool with you?”

Elena’s frown grew deeper. She felt Caroline’s eyes on her, but decided to pretend not to notice. Instead, she plastered a fake smile on her face and nodded. “Sure. See you later.”

Her friends echoed her okay and Damon was off a second later.

“What was that?” Bonnie asked as soon as he was gone.

Elena shrugged and acted like she didn’t know what Bonnie was talking about. “What was what?”

“Yeah,” Caroline agreed, “What kind of errands does he need to run on the day his brother is laid to rest?”

“Elena?” Bonnie addressed her.

“Hm?” Elena made a disinterested sound and searched for answers at the bottom of her empty coffee mug.

“Did he tell you where he was going?”

“Uhmm,” Elena replied, not sure how to answer it. “He might have. I was so tired last night.”

“Yeah, you were,” Caroline teased and waggled her eyebrows.

How the woman could go from grieving widow to innuendo-slinging girlfriend within seconds was beyond Elena. But she blushed nevertheless. “You and your vampire everything. God, you all suck.”

With that, she fled from the room with Bonnie’s and Caroline’s cackling following her up the stairs.

***

The funeral was a sad affair, as was expected. Elena and Caroline arrived early, dropping off Bonnie at her house on the way. She wanted to change and would join them later.

“She’s in pain,” Caroline filled Elena in. “She blames Stefan. She doesn’t want to. She knows it wasn’t his fault. But—”

“I’m missing something,” Elena stated when nothing Caroline had just said made sense to her.

Caroline’s mouth made an O-shape as she glanced up at Elena before focusing back on the road. “Damon hasn’t filled you in?”

“No, he hasn’t. We haven’t really talked much.” Or at all, Elena added silently to herself with another mental frown.

“Stefan killed Enzo,” Caroline stated with her typical bluntness. “But he had his humanity off and it wasn’t even really his fault that it was off in the first place,” Caroline began to babble.

“And we liked Enzo?” Elena asked, speaking slowly in an effort to connect all the dots.

“I think we did, yeah. In the end. But Bonnie… Bonnie loved him. And he loved her.”

“What?”

Caroline nodded.

“Bonnie in love with a vampire?” Elena exclaimed. “But she hates them. _Hated_ ,” Elena amended as she remembered who Bonnie’s best friend was since their time-out in the 1994 prison world.

“He was good to her. And they’ve been through a lot.”

“I didn’t know,” Elena whispered, feeling bad that she was so focused on her and Damon’s drama that she hadn’t even noticed her friend hurting.

“I know you didn’t,” Caroline replied gently. “And I could fill you in, but it’s not my story to tell. Which reminds me – there’s a few journals you need to read to catch up with all that happened. I’ll collect them for you when we get back.”

Elena was quiet the rest of the drive, trying to sort through all the new information.

***

It was a small gathering. At least it was supposed to be. Matt was already waiting for them when Caroline and Elena arrived at the cemetery. A short time later, first Bonnie and then Alaric joined them, the latter holding his daughters’ hands, one on each side. But just as Elena was about to wonder where Damon was, he arrived with Jeremy in tow. Elena’s eyes bulged and she ran towards her brother, letting him lift her up in a heartfelt embrace.

“How?” Elena began.

“Damon called me last night. I took the first flight back I could get. He picked me up from the airport and here I am.”

“Errands, huh?” Elena smirked at Damon. He smiled briefly in response, face tight with grief.

Elena was just about to take Damon’s hand as they were about to start the ceremony, when another car rolled up – long, sleek, with tinted windows. Everyone turned to the unexpected visitor and stared in amazement when Klaus and Elijah materialized from the back of it. The driver, clearly following his instructions, left immediately after.

“What are you doing here?” Caroline’s voice broke the silence.

She stepped around everybody and stopped right in front of Klaus, addressing him.

“I came to pay my respects,” Klaus quietly replied.

“He hated you,” Caroline spit out.

“That may be, love. But he was my friend once upon a time. And I don’t forget my friends.”

Caroline scowled but had nothing to reply to that. She turned on her heel and walked back to take her place at the head of Stefan’s coffin.

Klaus watched Caroline’s retreating back for a second before turning to Elena. Damon instinctively placed himself half a step in front of her but Klaus ignored the protective gesture. “The lovely Elena. You look so very… human.”

“If you think even for a second that you can—”

“You can call off your watchdog,” Klaus interrupted Damon, still speaking to Elena. “I no longer have any interest in your blood. I am curious, though.” Finally turning his attention on Damon, he said, “How did you do it?”

Damon pursed his lips and made clear that he had no intention of answering. He didn’t know if Klaus had suspicions about how they had gotten their fingers on the cure, he just knew that he better keep the truth to himself.

“No matter,” Klaus said with an untroubled smile. “I’ll find out sooner or later. Time has a way of revealing everyone’s secrets. And I have nothing but time.” He smiled serenely. “My sister wanted to be here,” he said out of the blue. “She sends her regards.” With that, he followed Caroline’s path to the Salvatore tomb.

Elijah watched his brother for a moment before he turned his attention on Damon and Elena. “My deepest condolences to you all. As far as young vampires go, he was… tolerable. An honorable man. I respected him.”

Damon shook hands with Elijah which everyone accepted as them being allowed to stay.

As everyone said their bit and laid down flowers, Elena caught sight of another visitor hiding behind a large tree. She didn’t recognize the woman and pulled on Damon’s arm to point her out.

“Who is that?” Elena nodded towards the stranger half-hidden by the tree trunk.

Damon, immediately on alert, relaxed when he glimpsed the face. He raised his voice a little bit to be heard across the distance. “You’re welcome to join us, Valerie.”

The woman came closer, though hesitantly. She kept glancing at Caroline as though expecting her to attack and Elena glanced back and forth between the two women, once again realizing that she was missing context. She really needed to read up on the last four years; or better yet, have a long and detailed conversation with Damon.

“I just wanted to say goodbye to him. I can leave,” the woman named Valerie offered.

Caroline’s lips pressed into a thin line and Elena couldn’t name all the emotions that flitted across her face. But eventually she plastered on a forced smile and said, “Stay. We all loved him, right?”

Valerie nodded and a tear slipped down her cheek.

***

“I’m leaving,” Bonnie broke the news to them all during drinks. After laying Stefan to rest, they had all retired to the Mystic Grill for drinks.

“You mean like back to your gran’s house?” Elena asked, though with little hope. The gravitas in Bonnie’s voice suggested a deeper meaning.

Bonnie shook her head. “No. Leaving. For… a while.” She meant to say ‘for good’ and everybody heard it even though it went unsaid.

“What do you mean, you’re leaving?” Caroline asked. “Leaving where?”

“I don’t know yet. Just… somewhere. Anywhere. I always wanted to go back to Europe. Or maybe South America?”

“What are you talking about?” Elena asked.

Bonnie pressed her lips into a thin line and Elena recognized the action as trying hard not to cry. “I can’t stay here, guys. This place, it’s…”

Elena glanced at Damon, silently begging him to use his immeasurable powers of persuasion to convince her to stay. She knew she was being extremely selfish, but Elena had just gotten her life back, she couldn’t lose her friend again so soon after coming back.

But Damon was looking at the table, drawing lines in the condensation rings left from his beer bottle.

“You knew,” Elena accused him.

“No, I didn’t,” Damon protested. “I just understand the desire to be gone.”

“But… But…” Caroline stuttered. “You’re just running away.”

“No, I’m not,” Bonnie replied with vehemence. “I just need to find something worth living for. Because right now, in this place… everything here makes me want to give up.”

“Bonnie,” Elena started quietly.

“I’m sorry, Elena. I know I’m being selfish. But this is something I need to do. For myself.”

Elena couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. She reached over to hug her friend. “When? When will you go?”

“Tomorrow?”

“What?” Caroline screeched. “Thanks for the warning, Bonnie.”

“I started packing last night. I don’t have much. It’s all still mostly in boxes anyway. Somebody’s coming by to pick them up and they’ll be put into storage. I’m going to switch to online classes for the winter term and that’s it really. Nothing else left to take care of.”

Elena stared at her best friend, trying to wrap her mind around all that she learned today. Bonnie was in pain, this much was clear. And Elena understood, maybe best of all, the desire to give up. Hadn’t she done the same thing when she had Damon compelled from her memories? In the end, it had been wrong of her to do so, but in the moment, it was the only thing that had kept her going.

She leaned over Damon and reached for Bonnie, wrapping her arms around her friend. “I understand,” she whispered into her ear.

“Thank you,” Bonnie whispered back and clutched her tight.

***

Elena left Damon in the library and went upstairs. She was tired, her body still not used to all the excitement after so many years in a coma, even if it was a magical one.

“Are you coming up?” Elena asked Damon before she left.

“Soon,” Damon replied.

Elena paused and studied his face carefully. “Don’t be too long, okay?”

Damon nodded.

“I love you,” she said quietly.

Damon nodded again.

Elena leaned down to kiss him but he barely responded, seeming miles away with his thoughts. It was natural, Elena figured. He had lost his brother. The last living family he had left. Elena remembered her own reaction years ago, when she lost Jeremy. Compared to her, Damon was holding it together remarkably well. So she decided to give him some space and went to bed alone.

Tired but not really sleepy, she settled in on her side of the bed with a stack of hand-written journals next to her. Caroline had explained to her how, in the beginning, they all had tried to write in one journal. But the logistics were burdensome to figure out, so eventually everyone had started their own.

Elena saw several journals in Caroline’s neat handwriting, a few in Bonnie’s hurried scrawl, a college block that she identified as Alaric’s. And a few bound in leather that bore Stefan’s initials in the corner. She decided to save those for last and picked up the first journal.

_Dear Elena..._

_A few weeks ago, you said goodbye and told us to write everything down so you'd feel like you didn't miss anything when you woke up…_

***

Saying goodbye to Bonnie and not knowing when they would see their friend again was hard. Bonnie refused to let them come to the airport with her, but finally agreed to letting Damon give her a lift. They all stood outside the Salvatore entryway and waved goodbye as the blue Camaro pulled out of the driveway.

“I need to go check on a few things in my mom’s house. Well, Ric’s house now, I should say,” Caroline said. “Will you be okay here or did you want to tag along?”

Elena waved her off. “It’s fine. Still have some reading to do,” she said, referring to the journals. She didn’t know why she was lying. She finished reading the journals last night. Damon had never come up to bed. Elena assumed he was drowning his sorrows in bourbon, which she didn’t support but understood.

Caroline took off a short while after and Elena, left with nothing to do while Jeremy was off visiting with Alaric, decided to go and see Stefan.

The walk to the Salvatore crypt was a short one and the day was cloudy, befitting the situation. When Elena slowly pushed on the heavy wrought iron door, she found Stefan already had a visitor. The woman startled when Elena entered.

“Valerie, right?” Elena asked, remembering the girl from the day before.

Valerie nodded.

“I’m Elena.”

“I know.” At Elena’s raised eyebrow, she elaborated, “Your coffin was a bargaining chip in many a negotiation. There was nothing quite like the mention of your name to rile Damon up.”

Elena frowned. It sounded like this girl and Damon had been enemies, yet yesterday they acted friendly with each other. Was it just for the sake of Stefan?

Elena had to sort through all the things she had read. It was a lot to take in, and she had to piece some of the story together from several of her friends’ accounts to get the full picture. “You knew Stefan when he was still human. You’re that Valerie,” Elena slowly realized. “One of Lily’s heretics.”

The girl smiled sadly. “The last one standing.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

Valerie cocked her head and looked at Elena with a curious and slightly disbelieving smile. “You mean it.”

Elena nodded. “Of course I do.”

“Didn’t they tell you what we did to your friends?”

“They did,” Elena confirmed, shrugging. “They also told me that you helped them. You saved Stefan, if I remember correctly. You lost your whole family and I know how that feels. So, as I said, I am really sorry for your loss.”

“God,” Valerie huffed, “they did tell me you were too good for this world. I thought they were exaggerating.”

Elena didn’t know what to reply to that so she remained quiet.

“I can go,” Valerie said. “You probably want to be alone with him.”

“Or you could stay,” Elena suggested.

Valerie looked uncertain, glancing between the door and Elena. Elena sat down on the stone bench in the middle of the crypt and made room for Valerie. “Tell me what happened between you and Stefan?”

“You already know what happened.”

Elena nodded. “I do. I read about it. But everyone’s version is different. Would you like to tell me yours?”

Valerie sighed and sat down. “Where do you want me to start?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a twitter that is devoted completely to this story's updates. Where fitting, I will post songs that inspired chapters, or mood boards, etc. If you're interested in that kind of thing, the handle is @AdaudBy.


	3. Chapter 3

Several weeks later, things still hadn’t improved. Life went on and Elena felt like she had no purpose, just drifting from one day to the next. Caroline and Ric were always busy with the twins. Bonnie was off travelling and sending postcards each week from places Elena had never heard of before. At least Jeremy was still there. She enjoyed getting to spend time with her brother again, unburdened by any sort of drama that had seemed to follow them all the time before. Though lately Elena had noticed her brother disappearing in the evenings a lot and coming back drunk, reeking of bourbon. Which only solidified Elena’s suspicion that he was spending the evenings with Damon.

Elena missed her best friends, but she understood that they had their own lives to live. Maybe it was time she got back on track with hers.

Before the magic had sent her into a coma, she had worked towards becoming a doctor. Going over all her study materials from before, she made a plan to revive her academic career. She spent days contacting her professors, scheduling placement tests and then preparing for said tests. She was determined to make up for the time she had lost as best she could. She’d use the summer classes to finish her undergrad degree, and to get into med school. And come fall, she’d go back to being a full-time student, focus on her future.

“You do realize you don’t have to jump through all these hoops, right?” Caroline asked her, as she came back home one evening, finding Elena half-asleep on top of her books. “You want to go to med school, go to med school.”

“I can’t. I’ve never even finished pre-med,” Elena argued.

“Nothing that a little compulsion from Damon or me won’t fix.”

“Tempting,” Elena admitted. “But this is still stuff I need to know. You wouldn’t want to be treated by a doctor who skipped pre-med, would you?”

“I don’t have a need for doctors, as I wasn’t stupid enough to go and guzzle the cure.”

Elena knew that Caroline was joking, but she still swallowed down a lump in her throat.

“Seriously though. Do you need help studying?” Caroline suddenly changed course, seeing Elena’s concerned frown.

“No, Care. I got it. But thanks.”

“Well, I salute you for trying to do it the proper way. But if you need me to compel your professors to make you pass, you know where I am.”

Elena smiled tiredly in thanks. But burying her head in the books served a dual purpose because it also happened to be a good distraction from the Damon problem.

Alone again with her thoughts, Elena sighed.

At first, she told herself that she was imagining it until she had to admit that yes, things were different and not just because time had passed. Damon was different.

For one, he left home in the early hours only to return late at night. The most Elena would hear from him throughout the day was a text message here and there or the very occasional phone call. The message was always the same: _Out doing things. Don’t wait up._ Elena was paraphrasing, of course. But that was what it came down to.

She tried to give him the benefit of the doubt at first. Maybe he really did have things to take care of. She didn’t know what those things were, but she hadn’t been around for a couple years, so there was that. But no amount of reasoning could explain why he just wouldn’t talk to her. Moreover, he went out of his way to… well, go out of her way.

Every morning Elena woke up, she hoped today would be different. And every night she went to bed hurt and a little less hopeful.

***

Damon sat in his car, parked at the end of the driveway where it couldn’t be seen from the house. Every now and then he glanced towards the house, trying to persuade himself to go in and face the music. Minutes passed and he couldn’t do it.

He knew Elena was inside; knew she was probably waiting for him. His whole body felt an almost unnatural pull towards her, wanting to be near her after such a long time apart. Yet he remained where he was.

Gripping the steering wheel tightly, he stared at his white knuckles. Blood. There was so much blood on his hands. How many people had he killed? First for Sybil, then for Cade. So many innocent people. He’d dragged his brother down with him. A brother who was now dead.

Damon released the steering wheel and turned his palms over, studying them, as if they were still bathed in the blood of his victims. Maybe they were. Maybe he’d never feel clean again.

How could he go back into the house, be with Elena, _touch_ Elena with those same hands? He didn’t want to stain her. She was innocent in all of this. And he didn’t deserve her.

With a violent curse, Damon turned the key in the ignition and pulled the car out of the driveway. It was still early in the day, but he’d drive around until he found a bar that was already open. Too bad Donovan wasn’t working the bar at the Grill anymore. Damon could always intimidate him into pouring a few stiff drinks, no matter the time of day.

***

For the twentieth time in as many days Elena woke up to an empty bed. This time it didn’t even look as though Damon had slept in it. All the nights before he’d come to bed after she had already been deep asleep and left again before she woke up. Last night she’d tried staying awake, but Damon never showed. He never did when she waited up for him.

She knew what he was doing, of course. After reading the journals, it wasn’t hard to figure out. Besides, Stefan had warned her; had told her this might happen. Had known exactly how his brother would react. She just wished he’d included instructions in how to deal with his stubbornness. Because slowly but surely Elena was losing hope.

She had been prepared to fight Damon and his misplaced need to punish himself. She had been ready to read him the riot act, making him see reason again. But the more time passed, the more her own doubts crept in. What if there was more than that? She thought she had a good idea of what had happened after reading all the journals, but what if there was more? What if there was something else that made him stay away, something nobody had written about.

Elena couldn’t take it anymore.

***

All day long Elena tried calling Bonnie. Maybe it had to do with the fact that she thought Bonnie knew Damon better than Caroline did. Or maybe it was simpler than that – maybe it was easier to say what she had to say over the phone where she wouldn’t have to look her friend in the face. Elena felt like a coward, but she was desperate. Unfortunately, Bonnie couldn’t be reached. The last number Elena had from her wasn’t working. The old phone number Elena had of her kept going straight to voicemail and even though Elena didn’t expect anything to come from it, she left another message asking her friend to give her a call back. She also considered sending an email, but thought that it would be a little over the top.

Maybe it was a sign, Elena thought. Maybe she should just be talking to Caroline.

Elena climbed the stairs to Stefan’s room to find Caroline sitting on the floor before a large wooden chest, going through its contents.

“Hey, Care,” Elena carefully began.

“Elena! Hi.”

“I was wondering, do you have a minute?”

Caroline’s face darkened with concern. “Of course. What’s wrong?”

Elena looked around and decided to sit on the sofa. “You tell me.”

“Huh?”

“Ever since I’ve come back, or woke up, or whatever, things have been… weird.”

Caroline smiled sympathetically. “I imagine they would be. To you it must have felt like a long night’s sleep, but everyone else lived through years of drama, change—”

“Right,” Elena interrupted. “But what I meant is, things are weird between me and Damon.” Elena bit her lip, unsure of Caroline’s reaction. She knew, of course, that Caroline and Damon had grown closer, but the fact that they rarely saw eye to eye made Elena apprehensive.

“Oh,” Caroline said. “In what way?”

Elena decided to be blunt. “He’s avoiding me.” It hurt admitting it out loud.

“I’m sure he doesn’t,” Caroline hurried to calm her friend and climbed onto the sofa with her to take her hands in hers.

“Yeah, Caroline, he does. He has barely touched me since that first night. He comes to bed when I’m already asleep; he’s already gone by the time I wake up in the morning. And throughout the day I get text messages about some errand he has to run, or being held up somewhere, or some other lame excuse. That’s if he remembers to let me know at all.”

Caroline stared at Elena, helpless. Elena chewed on her lip but couldn’t hold back her tears. “What did I do wrong?” she asked through tears.

Caroline wrapped her arms around Elena and let her sob on her shoulder. “No, you didn’t do anything.”

“Then what’s happening?” Elena sobbed. “This isn’t the life I wanted to come back to.”

Caroline stroked through Elena’s hair until Elena pulled back and fixed her with a hard stare.

“Tell me the truth, Caroline, please.”

“What truth? What are you talking about?”

“Has he…” Elena swallowed heavily and tried again, “Has he, I mean while I was asleep, has he met someone else?”

Caroline paused, then a laugh exploded out of her, she couldn’t help it. She clasped a palm over her mouth when she realized how inappropriate her reaction was in light of Elena’s misery and said, sheepishly, “Sorry.” She sighed and turned serious. “Elena, you can’t be serious.”

“What else am I supposed to think?” Elena desperately exclaimed.

“You really believe the guy who waited 145 years for Katherine, the guy who pined after you _forever_ , who quite literally crossed dimensions to be with you, would ever even look at someone else? I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous. He loves you more than life itself and you know it.”

“Do I?”

“Okay, stop.” Caroline reached over and wiped the tear tracks from Elena’s cheeks. “This is not you. I understand you’re feeling vulnerable and maybe a little unsettled right now. You must feel like everyone else has moved on without you. And it’s true to some extent. We didn’t have a choice but to live. But some things didn’t change, won’t ever change. And the fact that you love Damon and that he loves you and wants to be with you _and only you_ is one of those things. And you used to know that. So, here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to stop crying. You’re going to stop blaming yourself. And you’re going to talk to Damon.”

“I don’t know where he is,” Elena admitted.

“Which is one of the things you’re going to have him explain to you once he comes home.”

“If he ever comes home,” Elena muttered under her breath.

Caroline smiled sympathetically. “He will eventually. That’s where his favorite bourbon lives, right?” she tried to joke.

Elena could only manage a weak smile at that.

Caroline squeezed her briefly. “You will figure it out, I know you will. You two belong together.”

Elena nodded. “Thank you, Caroline.”

“You’re welcome; always.” Caroline leaned in for another hug. “I promised Alaric I’d take the kids out for dessert after school today. I have to go pick them up soon. Do you want to come with? We can go for ice-cream. Ice-cream makes everything better,” she sing-songed.

Elena shook her head. “No, I think I’m going to clean myself up and think about what I’m going to say to Damon.”

“All right.” She studied Elena’s face carefully. “Will you be okay?”

“Yeah,” Elena replied with new found hope. “I think I will.”

Less than twenty minutes later, Elena was just finishing her shower when her phone chimed with an incoming text message. She wrapped a towel around herself and went to check it, expecting another excuse from Damon. She read the text and steeled her shoulders. Maybe the opportunity to clear the air would arrive sooner than even she had expected.


	4. Chapter 4

Alaric glanced sideways at his friend as he placed two spoons and a bowl of mac-n-cheese in front of Lizzie and Josie – they liked to eat from the same bowl and Ric found it easier to just give in instead of fighting them on it; especially on a day where they were already off-schedule.

Damon was slumped over the kitchen counter and too caught up in his own world to pay any mind to what was going on around him. He had appeared on Ric’s doorstep about an hour ago, already half-drunk despite it being the middle of the day and Ric led him to the sofa and let him ramble incoherently while waiting for Damon to sober up and tell him what the hell his problem was. His girlfriend, a.k.a. the love of his life was finally back in the land of the living and Damon was going out of his way to avoid her which was so out of character for Damon that Ric didn’t even know where to start.

But before he could devote any time to solving his friend’s existential crisis, he had to prepare lunch for his kids before Caroline would be there to take them out for desserts. Ric left Damon to his own devices for the moment while he put dishes into the dishwasher and straightened up the kitchen. He lifted his head when he heard Josie and Lizzie giggle and followed their line of sight.

Damon had produced a bottle of bourbon from somewhere – Alaric chided himself; he really should have frisked him when he arrived – and nursed it lovingly while staring off into the distance.

Ric rolled his eyes, marched over and snapped the almost empty bottle out of Damon’s hands.

“Hey,” Damon protested and made grabby hands for the bottle, falling off the chair in his drunken haste. He scrambled to his feet, but he was too late. Alaric was already in the process of emptying the contents into the sink.

Damon, in retaliation, grabbed a few peanuts from the small dish next to him and threw them at Ric’s back.

“Stop it,” Alaric admonished. “You’re scaring my kids.”

To be fair, they weren’t really scared; in fact, they were grinning and giggling even more than before. Damon straightened up and began making funny faces at them which had them laughing even more. Damon was so into it, he almost slipped off the chair again which had the girls howling with laughter.

“Uncle Damon’s funny when he acts drunk, Daddy,” Josie told her father.

“Yeah,” Ric replied, “he’s really good at… acting drunk.”

He glanced at the clock and sent the girls upstairs to clean up. “Hurry,” he called after them. “Mommy will be here in a minute.” While the twins were busy, Ric put on a fresh pot of coffee. Damon was going to need it.

A few minutes later he set a steaming mug down in front of Damon. “Drink,” he told him. Outside, a car rolled up the driveway and honked. Ric called up the stairs, “Mommy’s here. Come on, let’s go.” It took a few minutes to get the girls sorted out with shoes and jackets but eventually they were safely strapped in in the back of Caroline’s car and Ric could finally devote his full brain power to his friend. Who appeared to have fallen asleep right there, slumped over the kitchen counter?

Alaric took the opportunity to finish cleaning up the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee before he nudged Damon awake.

“Huh?” Damon mumbled, opening his eyes and seeming confused for a moment about his whereabouts.

“What’s going on?” Alaric asked, cutting to the chase.

“What do you mean?” Damon dodged.

“I mean, why are you wasting your time here, watching me go through lunch routine with two little girls instead of spending time with the woman who has been your guiding light and moral compass and sole reason for existence these past few years and who has now miraculously and prematurely returned from her fairytale slumber. Remember her?”

“If you want me to follow, you need to speak in shorter sentences. Also, your voice is more grating than my hangover.”

“Oh, you mean you stopped drinking long enough to actually have a hangover? I guess in your case that would be called progress?”

“Please, Ric, for all that is holy, shut up,” Damon half said, half groaned and clutched his head.

Alaric pushed the now cold cup of coffee closer to Damon, telling him to drink up.

“Why are you avoiding Elena?”

When Damon didn’t reply, Alaric pulled out his phone. “If you don’t talk to me, you’ll have to talk to her.”

“Put down the phone, Ric,” Damon scoffed.

“Does she even know where you are?” he asked.

At Damon’s indifferent shrug, Ric concluded, “She doesn’t, does she? Damon, you can’t treat her like that. You need to get over whatever it is that is eating at you and go talk to your girlfriend.”

When Damon didn’t react and just continued to mulishly stare at him, Ric threatened, “I’m going to call her right now.”

Damon still remained passive so Ric pretended to dial Elena’s number. “Yeah, Elena? Can you please come and pick up your boyfriend? Yeah, he’s starting to scare me, to be honest. Oh, thank you. See you in a bit.”

Damon took the whole act in a surprisingly relaxed manner. “You do realize that I would be able to hear the other part of the conversation if you had actually called her, right?” he reminded him.

Alaric sighed dramatically. “You got me. Nothing gets past you.” Right in that moment another car rolled up outside and Alaric went over to open the door before Elena could knock. “Which is why I texted her half an hour ago,” Ric explained to a stunned looking Damon.

Elena stood in the doorway, hands on her hips, looking pissed and hurt at the same time.

“Traitor,” Damon accused, fixing Alaric with a deadly glare.

Alaric ignored him. “Thanks for coming,” he said to Elena.

“Thanks for texting me.” She directed her gaze to Damon and said, impatiently, “Well?”

Damon wordlessly got up from his stool and walked towards the door. As he passed Ric, he hissed, “FYI, I hate you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ric chuckled.

Alaric hugged Elena. “Good luck,” he told her.

Elena, with a glance towards Damon who let himself fall into the passenger seat of Elena’s car, wisely ignoring his own Camaro that was parked on the side of the road, replied, “Thank you. I owe you one.” She sighed and straightened her shoulders as she walked back to her car.

***

The car ride was spent mostly in silence. The first few miles Elena had to concentrate on where she was going, her vision cloudy with rage and nerves both. While Damon was still waiting for the rest alcohol to clear from his blood. He tried speaking once.

“Elena, I’m—” he began, holding his head as it throbbed.

“Not a word,” she warned him, seething with anger. It was a welcome change from the despair and inadequacy she had started to lose herself in those past few weeks.

Damon wisely shut up after that and the rest of the drive no more words were spoken.

When they arrived at the Salvatore house, Elena led the way inside. In the foyer, they were greeted by Jeremy who, upon seeing Damon, rose from the couch.

“Hey,” he greeted his new drinking buddy. As far as Elena was aware, her brother and Damon had spent more evenings together in the last weeks than she and Damon had. “Are we still on for that game of pool tonight?” Jeremy asked.

“No, he is not,” she stepped in and answered for Damon before he could open his mouth. “He’s going to spend the rest of the day explaining to his girlfriend why he’s been acting like a grade-A asshole.”

Jeremy, stunned for a moment, looked back and forth between Damon and Elena. He had the gall to snicker. “Oh, man,” he said to Damon. “You’re in trouble. I know that look. I’ve grown up with that look.” He walked out of the room, clapping Damon on the shoulder in solidarity and sympathy both as he passed him.

Elena glanced to Damon who avoided her eyes by staring at his feet. She huffed and continued upstairs as planned, trusting that Damon would follow her if he knew what was good for him. He did.

Once in the bedroom, Elena pushed him to sit on the bed and ordered, “Talk.”

“I don’t know—”

“Don’t!” she warned him. “Don’t give me that spiel where you pretend not to know what I’m talking about. Don’t insult me by playing stupid.”

“I wasn’t going to,” Damon protested. “I just… I honestly don’t know where to start.” He sounded resigned.

“Okay.” Elena thought for a moment. “Then just answer my questions.”

Damon nodded.

“Where do you go when you’re not here?”

Damon shrugged. “Sometimes I go day-drinking at the Grill. Sometimes I go outside of town for a drink. Sometimes I drive around until I find a bar. I visit Ric a lot. But he’s become boring – he won’t drink with me anymore. Little Gilbert however? Surprisingly, an excellent drinking buddy.”

“Why do you need to drink?”

“So I won’t have to remember.”

“Remember what?”

Damon fell silent, his jaw working.

Elena had been pacing up and down while Damon quietly and almost without a hint of emotion answered all of her questions. But his silence made her stop. She came over to the bed and stopped in front of Damon. He wasn’t looking up at her. “Damon,” Elena said, voice soft. “Remember what?” she asked again, pleadingly.

“All the ways in which I failed you.”

“What?” she asked.

He raised his head, but his eyes were focused somewhere over her shoulder, avoiding her eyes.

“How did you fail me?”

“I broke my promise. Promises. All of them. You asked me to take care of everyone, but I couldn’t do it. You asked me not to starve myself, but I did. You wanted me to be better and I wanted to be because I love you and you deserve the best. But I’m not it, Elena. I’m not the best. I’m not even… good.”

“We had this conversation before,” she reminded him. “You always do this, Damon. Keep your distance, hide from me. Something bad happens and you leave, pretending it’s for my own good.”

“It is,” Damon protested heatedly.

“You don’t get to decide that,” Elena almost growled. “You don’t get to tell me who is or is not good enough for me.”

“I’m trying to protect you, don’t you see that?” Damon yelled back.

“Protect me from what? You?”

“I’ve done terrible things, Elena. I’ve killed so many people.” He jumped up, starting to pace himself.

“I know that.”

Damon tore at his own hair, desperate to make her understand. “You think you know, but you have no idea.”

“Then tell me, so I’ll understand.”

“I can’t.” Because if he did; if she’d see him like he saw himself… No.

“Do you think it will change the way I feel about you?” she asked, knowing she’d hit the nail on the head when Damon’s head suddenly jerked up.

“Damon, I am not blinded by my love for you. I know exactly who you are. All of the things you did in the past, you did because in some twisted way in your messed up mind they made sense, served a purpose. I’m not saying that makes it okay. Because it doesn’t. It’ll never be okay. But you’re not that person anymore. I fell in love with you because you changed, because you showed me a side of you that cared, that did know the difference between right and wrong.”

“That was a long time ago. So much has happened since then.”

“You can tell me,” Elena pleaded with him. “I’m here. I’ll listen.”

Damon was so tempted. But, “I’m afraid,” he admitted so quietly, Elena barely heard him.

“Of what?”

Damon shrugged, not giving an answer.

“Scared I won’t forgive you?”

“I know you will; you always do.”

“And that’s the problem, isn’t it?” she said, realization dawning. “You’d rather spend the rest of your life feeling guilty, beating yourself up over it, punishing yourself.”

“It’s what I deserve,” Damon muttered.

“And what about what _I_ deserve?”

Damon looked up at her at the forceful tone.

“You promised me a life, a future, with you. A family.” Elena breathed heavily before adding, “Unless you changed your mind?”

“What?”

“Do you even want that anymore? The human life – with me?” Elena put up a brave front but Damon could see the fear behind her eyes.

“Baby, no,” he rushed forward, touching her face, stroking both thumbs across her cheekbones. “That’s all I want. I want it so badly, you have no idea.”

Elena’s face showed relief and frustration both. “Me too, Damon. I want that too. And we can have that. But whatever happened, you have to find a way to forgive yourself. I can’t do that for you.”

“I killed Tyler,” Damon muttered, believing he was likely hammering the last nail in his own coffin.

Elena froze. For a moment, even the air in the room seemed to stand still. Damon’s hands fell away from her face, and somehow that spurred her into action. She pushed him down to sit on the bed again and kneeled before him. Holding his eyes, she whispered, “I know.”

Damon’s eyes widened in surprise, then confusion. He searched her face for answers and then nodded to himself. “The journals.”

Elena nodded.

“But that wasn’t even the worst of it,” Damon said.

“I figured,” Elena agreed.

Damon stared at her, searching her face for… he didn’t know what exactly. Repulsion? Horror? Pity? He only saw trust and acceptance and couldn’t take it. “How can you even look at me?” Damon asked with such raw pain on his face, it broke Elena’s heart.

“Because I love you and because it wasn’t you who did it. Not really. It was just Katherine exacting her revenge on us because she blamed us for what happened to her. She was using you as her tool, and everyone else – from Sybil to Cade – as her minions. And because, even though deep down you know that, you still blame yourself.”

“I should have resisted. Enzo tried, he did. But I couldn’t. Because I’m weak.”

He sank down to the floor, mirroring her kneeling position. She grabbed his neck, making him look at her.

“You know that’s not true,” she told him. “You’re just saying that to have more reasons to hate yourself and keep your distance from me. But how is that helping anyone? Enzo is dead and look how Bonnie is suffering. Do you want me to go through the same pain?”

Damon shook his head vehemently. “No, of course not.”

“Because that’s what you’re doing to me right now.”

“I’m sorry,” Damon said, pushing his forehead into her shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“I believe you,” Elena said, lifting his head up again. “And you can have my forgiveness if you want it. But I don’t think it’ll matter; not as long as you don’t forgive yourself. Nobody else can do it for you. But Damon, I don’t blame you. Just as I never blamed Stefan for the things he did as a ripper.”

“Stefan is dead because of me.”

“That is not true. He never blamed you either. He wanted you to live. To be happy.”

“He once told me that you’re better off without me.” Not quite what Stefan had meant back then, but it was true enough, Damon figured.

Elena though wasn’t deterred. “Well, it’s not what he thought in the end.”

“I’ve no idea what he thought in the end.”

“I do,” Elena replied. “He told me when he died.”

Damon stared at her with wide eyes and Elena got up and sat down on the bed, waiting for Damon to join her. When he did, she turned slightly to better look at him. Stefan had left her a message for Caroline. And now was the time to give Damon the message he had left for him.

***

_“I think they want me to leave,” Stefan said, looking around and sounding more urgent now. Elena glanced around the Salvatore library as well, but all she could see was the room just like it always had been. “Before I go, I have one last message that I want you to deliver.”_

_“Okay,” Elena said. “Anything.”_

_“It’s for Damon.”_

_Elena nodded and listened carefully._

_“Tell him I love him, but if he ever breaks your heart, I’m coming back to haunt him for the rest of his life. Tell him to put the past in the past and not look back. Tell him I don’t blame him. For anything. I’m sorry I took his life from him when I made him become a vampire. And if I can give him part of it back by making this sacrifice, then I’ll die knowing it meant something. Tell him not to feel guilty – I have no regrets. But if he wants redemption, this is how he’ll earn it: Tell him to make you smile, every day, for the rest of your lives.”_

***

Damon was clutching Elena by the time she was done retelling the story, whispering Stefan’s last words in his ear. He pressed his lips to Elena’s forehead and lingered there, muttering, “I will. I promise I will.” He pulled back further, adding, “If you still want me.”

“Idiot,” Elena said through tears, “I just told you I do. Always have. You know that.”

“If you still want me,” Damon pressed, “ _after_ you’ve read this.”

He got up from the bed. Opening the bottom drawer of the large dresser on the opposite wall, he retrieved a leather-bound notebook and placed it on Elena’s lap.

She glanced questioningly at Damon, but he offered no explanation, simply motioning for her to open it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To set the mood: [x](https://twitter.com/AdaudBy/status/1372949130515976192/photo/1)

Elena stroked the leather; it was soft and had the initials DS embossed in the corner. Taking a breath, she lifted the cover.

_Dear Elena,_

_Yes, you heard that correctly—_

“You kept a diary? _You_?” she asked, eyes huge and mouth falling open as she stared openly at him.

Damon shrugged. “It was a way to keep you close. And also,” he continued, trying to add some levity to an awfully emotionally draining morning, “our friends can’t be trusted to give an accurate account of all that took place. Somebody had to write down what really happened.”

Damon squeezed Elena’s hand and turned towards the door.

Elena, slightly panicked, called out, “Where are you going?”

“I won’t go far,” he promised. “Come find me when you’re done.”

Elena’s gaze dropped to Damon’s journal in her lap and she nodded. But Damon was already out the door.

She lifted the cover again and started reading.

_Dear Elena,_

_Yes, you heard that correctly. Hell has frozen over. I’m writing it all down. Granted, I’m a half bottle in, thanks to my 1950 Chateau Cheval Blanc, a bottle I waited 65 years to open. I used to spend nights siting in my wine cellar, convincing myself I could actually hear it age – tannins growing, fermenting. But appreciating its beauty didn’t make the time go by any faster. The bottle just laid there on its shelf, torturing me while I waited for Katherine. And time stood still._

_Eventually I convinced myself that no sip of that wine could ever taste as good as I dreamt it would. So, I hid the bottle and walked away. And that is the story of why I drink bourbon._

Elena paused her reading and stared into air, vision unfocused. A memory from what felt like a lifetime ago floated before her eyes. It was crazy to remember that more than seven years had passed since she and Damon were on the plane to California for a weeklong getaway between classes.

***

_Elena, stretched out comfortably in her first class seat, idly browsed the in-flight magazine. She stopped at the travel section on an article that claimed to know all the secret hotspots of Portugal while Damon sat next to her, engrossed in a book._

_“You’ve probably been there already, right?” Elena pulled him from his reading._

_“Portugal?” Damon asked, checking the page she was on, and Elena nodded. “Yeah, though it’s been a while.”_

_“When was the last time?”_

_Damon frowned as he thought. “The forties, I believe. Stefan had been shipped off to Egypt and I was supposed to go with him, but Lexi talked me out of it. So, I had some free time on my hands and decided to spend it there, frolicking in hedonism.”_

_“Uh-huh,” Elena replied. “Frolicking in hedonism and occasionally checking up on your brother?”_

_“What? No!” Damon answered, a little too quickly and too vehemently for it to be the truth._

_“Right,” Elena replied, not believing a word of it._

_“Well, it was one of few places in Europe in the forties where you could still have a good time,” Damon said, quickly changing the topic. “I went to France first but then bombs started dropping and I didn’t feel like sticking around anymore. That’s how I ended up in Portugal for a few weeks.”_

_“As one does,” Elena commented dryly. “What did you do to spend the time?”_

_Damon raised both eyebrows at her, not bothering with a verbal reply._

_Elena nodded. “Of course. Why am I even asking?” She shook her head and continued, “So, Casanova, imagine we were on our way to Portugal instead of the West Coast. Are there any places you would like to revisit?”_

_“There is one, actually. Not sure if it’s still there, but back in the day there used to be this little winery that produced some of the best red wine this side of the Atlantic. I’ll have to take you one day. We have to go for a tasting if it’s still operational.”_

_“I thought you only drank bourbon.”_

_Damon smiled briefly. “That’s a story for another time but to sum up: no, I do appreciate a fine wine on occasion.”_

_***_

_“Ew,” Elena pulled a face and visibly struggled to swallow down the sip of wine she’d just drunk. “No, definitely not this one.”_

_California was no Portugal, but, as Damon had assured her, it also boasted some of the best wine you could lay your fingers on. It hadn’t taken much to convince Elena to visit one of the wineries for a private tasting._

_Damon checked the bottle and said, “Not a fan of Chardonnay, got it.”_

_“Still taking notes for that five year anniversary?” Elena asked, remembering with a smile their first date._

_“No, I have very particular ideas for that one already,” Damon replied. “I’m on the ten year one now.”_

_He smiled at her, teasing and happy before going back to study the offerings on the table. But Elena just sat there and stared at him, something in her belly swooping happily. She’d never get over Damon casually mentioning their future together._

_“Damon?” she quietly._

_“Hmm?” he asked distractedly, oblivious to her wandering thoughts._

_“I love you.”_

_Damon looked surprised for a second at the sudden change of mood but smiled and replied, “I love you too.”_

_“No, I mean it. I really, really love you,” Elena reiterated._

_Damon gave her his full attention. “What brought this on?” he asked, noticing her earnest face._

_“Nothing,” Elena replied. “Just wondering if I say it enough.”_

_Damon smiled again and instead of a reply leaned over the table and kissed her on the neck, just under her ear. Before pulling back, he breathed, “Oh, Elena,” and sighed softly. They shared a long look and a smile before separating._

_He went back to studying the bottles and Elena went back to studying him, feeling light and happy._

_“Here,” Damon broke into her thoughts, holding a glass out to her, “try this one. I think you’ll like this one.”_

_She did._

***

Elena smiled as she returned to the present. She still wasn’t used to having access to all of her memories now. Though, to be fair, she hadn’t had the chance yet to really get used to it, having spent the last years in a coma.

Feathering her fingers across the pages with Damon’s words on them, Elena pressed the journal to her chest. Another Damon mystery solved.

She got more comfortable on the bed and continued reading.

_Who is Damon Salvatore without Elena Gilbert?_

Elena paused here, remembering. Didn’t she put down a very similar thought in her diary right before she decided to cut him out of her life? Wanting to find out who she was without the one who defined her. It didn’t go too well for her. Elena strongly suspected that Damon’s experience hadn’t been all that different from her own.

She finished reading his first entry and immediately skipped to the next. This was one read more like a report, an almost detached facts dump. She read over the entry and similar ones after that, seeing more of the information that she had already learned from the other journals. Except, Damon’s were possibly more candid, rawer in their brutal honesty. And though she was sure the entries were meant to achieve the opposite, all they managed to do was confirm to Elena that Damon was as innocent in all that happened as the rest of their friends. Or rather, not one of them was to blame more for what happened than the rest.

But it was the other entries that stood out to her. The ones were he opened his heart and showed her his soul. It wasn’t that Damon guarded his thoughts – especially not from her, but he also rarely laid himself as completely bare as he did here, in these entries. She greedily read on.

_I’m in your spot. This has been my bed and my room for over 100 years and I’ve never felt lonely in it before._

_Want to know a secret? I wasn’t sad to see my childhood home fall victim to time and neglect. It was more my father’s home than mine and always felt too… confined. I prefer space. After the vampires were gone from Mystic Falls, my uncle Dario built this house. This must have been back in 1885. When I returned, I claimed the biggest room for myself. The land from the tomb vampires had been redistributed and, like all other families, the Salvatores got a good chunk of it. The family made good money back then, what with all the people building new houses on their newly ‘acquired’ properties. Never a better time to run a logging mill business._

_You’d think being immortal and having the world at your disposal would feel like the ultimate freedom. But wandering through life alone, never making a connection, the years had started to feel claustrophobic._

_Stefan copes by hoarding all these mementos in his room, and I am the opposite. I hate clutter. I like my place like this: open space, exposed beams, huge-ass custom made bed and mattress. It’s been my refuge since the 1880s. A place to come back to. A place to hide from the world and to be alone in. A home._

_Now it’s a place that reminds me of you. A place where I can feel closer to you. Because now you are my home._

_And my bed is now not wholly my bed anymore; there’s a spot that is yours. And that spot is empty. Has been for 164 nights now._

_And it’ll remain so for at least 22,000 more before you’re here with me again._

_I guess what I’m trying to say is: I miss you._

_It’s after midnight now. So, only 21,999 more days to go._

_***_

And a few pages further:

_Remember when I said that I would always choose you? And that if it ever came to you or the witch, I would gladly let her die? Well, I broke that promise a while ago. I gave it a thorough thought (of exactly three seconds) and pulled the damn witch out of the way of the oncoming bus. Stupid, I know. To think we could be together again right now…_

***

November, 2015:

_It’s our anniversary. Five years. Remember how we used to throw around ideas about how we would celebrate it?_

_Well, unless you had ‘one of us sleeping through it because of a magical coma’ on your bingo card, nobody wins._

_And here’s a simple truth for you: I can’t do the ten year one with you lying in a coffin. I just can’t. I’m not strong like you. I never was._

_So, I’m going to take care of Lily, make sure the heretics are no longer a problem and that Caroline, Bonnie, and the rest of them are all taken care of. And then I’m going to ask Stefan to put me in a coffin next to you with instructions not to wake me until you’re back._

_Happy anniversary, baby. I love you and I miss you, every hour of every day._

***

An entry from a few weeks later:

_Dear Elena,_

_This is going to be my last entry._

_Time is such a fickle thing. I used to think that one lifetime with you wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough time to do all the things I want to do with you, to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Now I’m looking at the same amount of time and it seems impossible to imagine, torturous to live through._

_I’m holding your hand as I’m writing this, tempted beyond belief to slip into your mind and stay there until it’s time to wake up._

_Remember when we played the ‘5 years from now’ game? Guess what? Today is five years later and for all the things that didn’t come to be (I haven’t forgotten the loft in Tribeca, nor the two kids. But I do own a bar, though I am not currently running it), there is one thing that you were right about: We are together. Granted, in our separate coffins, but together nonetheless. Here’s to seeing the glass half-full, I guess._

_Do you remember our last dance? That’s not a rhetorical question. I’d actually like to know. Because I’m not sure. Was it the masquerade ball in France? Or the rave on that boat in Slovenia?_

Elena stopped reading and rummaged through her memories. It would have been the rave, right? Because they returned home shortly after and there was no dancing at the twins’ birthday party. Yes, definitely Slovenia. Elena blushed, grateful that nobody was there to see it. She remembered the night vividly; albeit for other reasons.

***

_They were still buzzing when they made it back to their hotel room. The music echoed in their ears, making the blood sing, the skin vibrated still to the rhythm of the pounding beat._

_Elena ripped into Damon’s clothes, tearing them from his body as soon as the door fell into lock._

_“Less items to pack when we leave?” Elena replied to his raised eyebrow, before he could complain about losing yet another designer shirt._

_With a smirk he did the same, throwing Elena onto the bed and sliding on top of her and into her body in the same movement. She gasped – not in pain; she’d been ready and wet for him for hours now. He’d been teasing her all night on the dancefloor, pushing his body against hers, rubbing his knee between her legs, letting a hand slip under various articles of clothing, touching her while they fed on the other partygoers. But no matter how many times she suggested they take the party to some private corner, he had denied her, grinning devilishly and dialing his teasing up a notch._

_She had assumed the teasing would continue once they were on their own, but apparently Damon had something different on his mind as he started to move right away, not giving her a second to adjust. He began thrusting in earnest, definitely no longer teasing. His teeth latched onto one of her nipples and Elena yelped, nails digging into his shoulders._

_Her body thrummed like a bow-taut string, threatening to snap any moment. Every push felt like a walk on the razor’s edge. Elena gulped for air and released it in a long moan._

_Damon picked up speed and his mouth had to let go of her nipple. Biting down on his lip and letting his hips do all the work, he threaded his fingers through Elena’s – first one hand, then the other, and pushed them both into the pillows above her head._

_They gripped tightly onto each other as Elena’s moans grew more desperate. When they turned into sobs, Damon freed his right hand and while still holding both her wrists down with the other, reached between her legs. He rubbed her sensitive spot– gently at first, but at Elena’s growl he applied more pressure._

_Elena’s inner muscles began to tense and Damon pushed deep inside her with a final thrust and held still, working her to completion with his fingers only._

_Elena came in a series of powerful jolts. Damon waited patiently for the spasms to die down until her body started to unclench, signaling the end of her orgasm._

_Lacing his fingers through hers with both hands again, he picked up his thrusts. Finding a better grip with one knee, he changed the angle slightly and found a spot inside her that made Elena’s mouth drop open, though no sound came out._

_Because she was beautiful like this and Damon never wanted to stop looking at her, he kept on hitting that spot. His eyes darted all over her face, watching her closely. Her fingers tightened just as he felt her muscles around him flutter again. Belatedly, Elena seemed to notice what was happening. Out of nowhere, her body seized violently again and, mere minutes after the last, another orgasm rolled through her. It started at her core, at the point that Damon kept working relentlessly and expanded outwards in pulsing waves._

_Her eyes flew open and she stared uncomprehendingly at Damon, completely powerless against the havoc being wreaked on her nerves. Pulling air into her lungs, she released a high-pitched groan, so loud, there was no way the night reception staff hadn’t heard her, despite the fact that they were several floors up. But she couldn’t care about that right now. She had never had two orgasms back to back, and definitely none that had managed to rob her of her breath._

_Her body was frozen in a sinful spread as wave after wave of ecstasy washed over her, going on for what felt like forever. Mind clouded in hazy bliss, she realized only several moments later that Damon was still moving inside her, his cock still hitting that very same pulsing spot._

_It felt like he was touching a live wire within her and she couldn’t take it anymore, her muscles tensing in response. But Damon didn’t let up and the pressure inside her built until she thought it would explode out of her. Her muscles unfroze, accompanied by a gush of liquid from her body. Damon pulled out and Elena snapped for a much-needed breath, but Damon wasn’t done. He pushed back in, moving gentler now. His cock passed that spot inside her again and Elena felt an echo of another shudder roll over her as more fluid leaked out._

_“Okay?” Damon asked her, still moving inside her, slow and sure._

_Elena shook her head. Okay? How could she be okay when she didn’t have words to describe what had just happened._

_In response, Damon slowed his gentle thrusting and pulled away. Elena whimpered._

_“Don’t,” she rasped, voice barely above a whisper. She had screamed herself hoarse apparently._

_“Sorry,” Damon said._

_“No,” Elena tried again. He misunderstood; she didn’t want him to stop. She tried pulling him back with her legs but they weren’t cooperating, thighs splayed wide and shaking. She noticed that she was still gripping his hands so tight, her joins actually ached. She let go slowly and moved her hands to his hips to prevent him from pulling away._

_“Finish,” she commanded, unable to say more._

_He searched her face for reassurance and she nodded. Ever so gently, Damon pushed deeper again and Elena gasped involuntarily as aftershocks passed through her body. Her hands slid over his back and into his hair, nails digging in. A minute later, Damon came with a muffled cry, turning his head to bite down on the soft flesh of Elena’s wrist, careful not to break the skin._

_“What was that?” Elena genuinely wondered when she could speak again. Her voice still sounded raspy and she blushed, realizing that she had probably woken up half the guests in this guesthouse._

_“That,” Damon replied and Elena was not surprised to see the self-satisfied smirk on his face, “seemed like you were having multiple orgasms. You like?”_

_“Depends. Am I still alive?”_

_“Technically, no. But I don’t think I can take credit for that.”_

_“It felt like…” Elena tried to put it in words, “…like it would never stop.”_

_“To be honest,” Damon sheepishly admitted, “I didn’t expect you to come again. I just wanted to see what would happen. I approve,” he said with a glance down her body._

_Elena was suddenly reminded of the wet spot she was lying in and squirmed away a little. She felt and looked wrecked, drenched in all kinds of their combines fluids, but Damon looked at her as if he had never seen anything hotter. As long as she lived, she would never figure out completely what made him tick._

_“The things you find attractive… Honestly.” She shook her head. “Why are you so weird sometimes?” she asked, feigning annoyance._

_“Because it’s fun,” Damon replied with a grin. “And because you’re delicious.”_

_With that, he slid down her body, nose skimming between her breasts, over her belly button and coming to rest with his face between her wet thighs. His tongue snaked out and traced a path up the soft skin to her very center, collecting her taste._

_Elena tensed involuntarily, legs clamping down. Her core was still pulsing and she felt extremely oversensitive._

_“I’ll be gentle,” Damon promised, pushing her legs apart and blowing softly on her sensitized tissue._

_The cool air felt nice and Elena sighed. She closed her eyes and relaxed into the sheets. “Don’t make me come again,” she warned._

_“No promises.”_

***

Elena came back to the present, fanning herself lightly. The flush from the memory combined with her attention starved body had her hands shaking. She had half a mind to stop reading altogether and go out, find Damon, and drag him back to bed with her.

_If I’d known back then that it would be the last, I would have made it last longer, made sure to tell you how much I love you, how nothing in this world compares to the feeling of having you near me. Point is, I would give years of my life just to dance with you again, right now. Five years in exchange for the span of a song. To hold you in my arms. To hear your voice._

Bargaining. The third stage of grief. Elena remembered it vividly.

_Well, I’ll have plenty of time to dream about that soon. This is good night then, I guess._

***

For a while, after she turned the final page, Elena could only sit there, staring at the journal in her lap. The letters swam and bled together as she let the tears flow freely. Her heart broke for all of them. For Jo and Alaric who didn’t get to have the happy ending. For the twins who were forced to grow up without their real mother. For Tyler who had tried to help and paid with his life. For Caroline who was so strong and loved so fiercely and rarely got the appreciation she deserved. And maybe most of all for Bonnie who never had the freedom to make a choice for her life, who was thrown into the supernatural chaos and was asked again and again to help, to save, to protect, only to lose it all. She cried for Stefan, knowing that she’d miss him for as long as she was alive but somehow comforted by the knowledge that he was at peace.

Elena’s fingers moved over the words on the page and she sobbed, like just by touching them she could feel all of the pain and despair that bled into them. Loneliness.

She slammed the journal close, making a decision. It was enough! No more tears. They had all lost and cried too much. She wiped at her face with almost angry strokes. It was time to heal now. Elena was about to put the journal down when she noticed the corner of a piece of paper jutting out. She tugged on it and from between the unused pages of the book came forth a single page, folded once. She opened it and immediately recognized Damon’s handwriting.

_April 4, 2019_

_Remember when I told you I used to watch you sleep? And you called me a stalker? Well, here we go again._

_You came back to me. And all I can do is sit here and watch you sleep. Because after all that has happened and all that I’ve done, I don’t know how to look you in the eyes anymore, but I’m too weak to stay away. So, night after night, I come home to you and watch you sleep._

_Do you know what I’ve done? Have they told you? Will you look differently at me now? Have I screwed things up too much? I don’t think I’ll find the answers in this glass of bourbon, but I need the liquid courage to face the music._

_I don’t have the answers. But I know staying away from you isn’t part of the solution. Because I have learned this much: It’s not that I don’t know who I am without you, it’s that I like me better when I’m with you. You make everything better, Elena. You always have._

_And if you’re reading this now, it’s either because:_

_(a) You’ve found the journal while looking for something else (and let’s be real here, considering my history of picking hiding spots this is a real possibility and maybe it’s my subconscious sabotaging my coward self) or_

_(b) I gave this to you. Which can only mean I’m done hiding._

_I’m ready if you are._

_-Damon_

Elena read the letter a second time and pressed it to her chest.

_Come find me_ , Damon had said when he left the room.

Elena didn’t know how many hours had passed since then but she jumped off the bed and ran down the stairs.


End file.
